Things I love about the USA…

1. It’s easy to get fat in America.
If you ask for a large in The States, you get a LARGE. No messing about. Even if you ask for a small, you’ll get a large, and some extra.

Here I am in a Vegas with a large Mcdonald’s Coke:

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It’s as big as my head, and I have a big old head!
It’s twice the size of its UK friends. I could swim in that thing. I could drowned and never be seen again in that bucket of joy. And that is how life/death should be! The UK has measly peasant portions by comparison. You’ll come home and feel like you’re are purposely depriving yourself.

I genuinely can’t remember the last time I saw an All-You-Can-Eat buffet in England. Yet there are more All-You-Can-Eat buffets on the other side of the Atlantic than there are people. All-You-Can-Eat buffets are everywhere, queueing up for buses, bitching at the supermarket, everywhere!

And these American buffets don’t mess around. I went to a Ponderosa restaurant in Florida with my family, they took our main course orders as we were seated, the menu’s mostly steak-based, so I’m all “Rib-eye, please!” Then the waitress informs us that we can now go wild on the buffet. Me and my sheltered British mind are thinking it’s going to be some soft Harvester get-up, all safe salad and bread rolls.

But then I SEE the buffet… and it’s an expanse of cakes, and fries, and burgers, and pizza… and WHOLE CHICKENS! “Hmmm… I’m having steak for my main, I think I’ll have a whole chicken on the side, definitely. And some pizza. Yes, stick it all on top. The more the merrier!” It didn’t compute into my naive Celtic brain. I saw my first 40 stone woman at this eatery. I was at risk of becoming the 40 stone woman at this eatery.

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American breakfasts are my favourite. If I had the time and the money I would fly to the states for breakfast everyday. It’s all pancakes and toast and bacon and muffins … though weirdly? Potatoes and pudding and waffles! “Why NOT have ice-cream for breakfast?” says America, as the rest of the world looks on in petrified awe. “Why not put sugar on your bacon!?”

And there must be ten million different fast food chains over the pond. America basically have everything we have, plus a heap more. Think, Denny’s and Taco Bell and Del Taco and AppleBees and Dairy Queen and Wendy’s… and we would be here all day if we went through half of them. I’m sick of Mcdonald’s and KFC and Burger King! Fast-Food-Choice is the pivotal thing missing from British society, though I’m sure nutritionists everywhere would fail to agree…

2. Americans say silly and amusing things

Don’t ask a Yank if you can borrow their rubber, unless you genuinely are looking for a condom which you intend to return. If you’re a heterosexual smoker, you’d do best not to go in search of some fags. Everyone has a fanny in the States, not just the ladies. And if someone compliments your pants? You’re probably not exposing your underwear to the world, they might just genuinely like your trousers.

For a nation that stole our language, they’ve done a pretty good job of forgetting it and screwing it up. No wonder they’re constantly at war with someone, The States is a minefield for misunderstandings!

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Americans don’t even get the word “queue.” They exclusively say “in line.” If you ask them to queue they will stare at you blankly in a way that begs “WHY are you stating random letters of the alphabet at me, dude!?”

If you request Jam on your toast, then you WILL get warm bread with Jelly on it… which just doesn’t make sense to an Anglo, but anything goes over there. And Americans don’t have fun swear words like us, they stick to ‘Douche’ and ‘douchebag’ for all their cursory needs, which is just boring and uninventive if you ask me.

But they make up for their shoddy mistreatment of the mother tongue by calling bum-bags: FANNY PACKS, and tights? PANTY HOSE. Oh, and referring to roundabouts as ‘traffic circles’ gets ultimate bonus points for making something as standard and bromidic as a roundabout sound almost magical and fun!

3. Diet Dr. Pepper

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One of my favourite things on earth. Better than Welsh cakes, better than men reading books! I will not be happy until this stuff is flowing down the channel currently occupied by the Thames.
I saw diet Dr Pepper ONCE in London… But never again.
We have Dr. Pepper Zero, but that’s not the same. Dr. Pepper Zero is very much about the zero, as it tastes of absolute zilch. There are lots more fun combinations of drinks in the USA too. Like Fanta Grape, Dr. Pepper Cherry, and Wild Cherry Pepsi; liquid deities of which we are sorely dispossessed. Sort it out UK!

4. Seasons
We don’t have seasons in the UK. We have year-round wet. I briefly lived in New Jersey, where everyday is flip-flop-and-shorts-day in Summer and everyday is snow-and-frozen-testicles-day in Winter; where the Autumns are brown and red and the Springs are green and blue. I would trade many silly British institutions like Sunday Dinner and Soccer for this!

5. Open 24 Hours MEANS 24 hours

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Asda and Tesco in the UK LIE to us. They tell us they’re open 24 hours a day… when they’re not. They’re open 24-hours on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays are a different story. Because of Sunday Trading Restrictions, our shops are closed sporadically over the weekends. This sucks if you’re dying for sustenance, or petrol, or just about anything at 1am on a Sunday morning. Whereas nobody lies to the Americans. Walmart IS open 24 hours a day, every day, unless it’s Christmas day. Then it’s only open 12 hours. And this goes for MOST American superstores. Donuts are always available. Even at Dawn on a Sunday. THAT is the life.

6. Its scandelous past.

I LOVE American history. Some people say America has no history, but those are the people who know nothing about history, and probably nothing about anything.

For one thing? Their Civil War was brilliant! Yeah, I said it! SO much better than our own. The country split in two and the confederacy decided not only would it take on the North, but it would fight morality and history itself too. Absolute self-destructive mayhem! And yes, Cold Mountain and Gone With The Wind are two of my favourite books that would not have been possible without it.

The US may only be 235 years old, but it’s definitely been making up for lost time ever since. Bitches-throwing-our-tea-in-the-sea, the trail-of-tears, stealing-half-of-Mexico, “Sorry Latin America! Your democracy isn’t good enough! We’re taking it away!’ – utter horrendous excitement! Their relations with their neighbour Cuba are alone so colourful that on a recent holiday aboard an American Cruise Liner, I discovered that its American weather maps didn’t even recognise Cuba’s existence! There is obviously no weather in Cuba. Just Communism.

What about that is NOT interesting?
And so I refuse to die until I’ve got a picture of myself holding a “GO MEXICO!” placard at The Alamo, and one of me sat salaciously on Abe’s lap at The Lincoln Memorial.

7. Friendliness

As a nation, America greets everyone and everything (except for Mexican immigrants.) Americans talk and talk. Sometimes they’re not saying anything, they’re just making noise, but they don’t care.

Everything is “Yes, Sir” and “Thankyou, m’am” and “excuse me” and “y’all have a nice day” which is very refreshing. Everyone holds the door open, and offers to help out with heavy bags, and compliments your pants, and asks you constantly probing-yet-comradely questions, and it’s like one big party of politeness and sycophancy. Not in everybody’s comfort zone… but as a chronic Narcissist I could bathe in that approbation and blandishment daily.

And when they hear you are British? They are over-joyed! They completely forget they kicked your Limey arse out in 1776, and are all over you like broke Vegas street-walkers. “OHMYGAWD! YOU’RE BRITISH!? I’M ONE TENTH BRITISH! COME MEET MY MOM!! DO YOU KNOW THE QUEEN? WERE YOU IN THE SPICE GIRLS? CAN I POUR TEAR DOWN YOUR THROAT AND SING THE BEATLES WITH YOU?! PLEASE?!”
They’ll act like YOU are the one with the accent and the crazy vocabulary.
But if you play along with it, you WILL get free tea…

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